Letter to the Southern Poverty Law Center

I recently wrote email to the SPCA. I thought I would share it on my blog.

Southern Poverty Law Center:

This email is to request information on how one becomes acknowledged on the SPLC’s general hate group list. What are the criteria to be declared a hate group by the SPLC? To get on the list, do you have to be nominated by a third party, or can you just send in an email request? Can the group be an online, virtual organization or does it need to have monthly, in person, meetings? How many members must the organization be composed of? What about the whole hate part? Is there a pre-approved list of people that the organization can hate (like blacks, Jews and homosexuals), or can the hate be directed at pretty much anyone? Lastly, do the organizations have to condone violence, or is being a passive aggressive hate group enough?

I, XLIBERALFOOL, do hereby officially request that my blogging and social media group be placed on the SPLC’s prestigious, general hate group list. I looked for an application on your website, but I could not find one. I came to the conclusion that the SPLC is a high-class sort of hate organization and only accepts resumes. So, here it is. I will now take the time to describe myself and my extremist ideology. I am a white male of mostly Anglo decent (Shit that alone will probably get me put on a hate list.), about 30 years of age, and I have green eyes and blondish hair. I once tried to join the Aryan Brotherhood, but apparently you have to be an ex-convict to become a member of their organization. They did offer to make me an honorary member, but I just could not reconcile with the Brotherhood’s extreme anti-whaling stance. I am also ex-Army and I heard that military experience goes a long way when the SPLC is considering which hate groups to accept.

So, let us discuss the all important “hate part” of my hate group. I have developed an intense loathing for old people, poor people, and children. I am not too much into the whole race hate thing, but I do have a serious and irrational fear of Eskimos. I can diversify, if my targeted groups are deemed to be insufficient. I am not sure if it counts, but my wife says that I am a male chauvinist. Just let me know. I am committed to getting on your general hate group list, and I am willing to conform to the SPLC’s high standard of hate.

So far, I only have two followers on Twitter and two friends on Facebook (I have not started to advertise yet.). Do not fret though; I plan to attract many new members in the coming months and years. I am currently considering two advertising slogans “Let them eat cake” and “Viagra is the opiate of the elderly”. Let me know if you have a preference as to which I should choose.

I saw your interactive hate map online, and unfortunately I do not yet have a stated location for my hate group. When I have more members, I can build a lodge with kitchen facilities and offer Sunday morning brunch for my followers. Does the SPLC offer low interest loans for hate groups that make it on their general hate list? Anyways, I am too lazy to be violent. Plus, when it comes to fighting, I am kind of a sheep in wolves’ clothing. Fist fights are scary, but if words could kill, then the streets would be littered with the bodies of children and poor, elderly people.

For more information please feel free to visit my blogsite at http://xliberalfool.blogspot.com. We, at XLIBERALFOOL & Friends, appreciate your time and consideration in this matter, and we eagerly await your decision. Thank you.

Sincerely

XLIBERALFOOL & Friends

I will let you all know if they write back.

Think about it. XLIBERALFOOL